The following post is by MPFJ staff writer, Marie. You can read more of Marie’s articles over at her own blog, Family Money Values. Enjoy!
After 9/11/2001, I started sharing a written record of our finances, with our children – who are our trustees. Each year, I try to update it to make sure it somewhat matches reality. It is meant to be a help if both my spouse and I die together and the kids have to pick up the pieces.
This year, as I was doing my updating, I realized that was not enough. I am the primarily financial person in our marriage at this point. I make the investment decisions, update the financial records and file the papers. I usually do the prep work for our taxes to send to the accountant. My husband and I do freely discuss our finances and do split some of the financial duties. For example, he usually pays the bills and subtracts out the check register, while I do most of the other planning and reconciling work. I also run both of our two limited liability corporations, since he is interested in neither.
Lately I’ve come to realize that my spouse may not know what to do if I die first, and my family history is of early death while his is of longevity.
He has never had to deal with the minutiae of death, and I have minimal experience. There is a lot to do when one of a couple dies and if no discussion has happened the decisions involved can be heart rending.
Immediate decisions as to life support withdrawal, organ donation, preferences on how the body is handled, and things like what kind of wake to hold, where the service should be, and how much to spend on a funeral are just a few of many the surviving spouse will have to handle quickly.
Becoming single after our 45 plus years of being a couple will be a dramatic change for the survivor. While documenting financial activities and accounts is important and needed, knowing ahead of time what your partner might prefer you to do can help the surviving spouse handle those immediate and imminent decisions during a grief filled, busy and stressful period.
Have that death talk.
Suggested questions for discussion/decision could be as follows.
Do you want to donate any organs?
How does each spouse feel about it? What do you think the relative’s reactions will be – will they make it hard on the survivor?
Do you want to prepare a living will and/or a medical power of attorney?
What are your wishes if you can’t speak for yourself.
When my Dad’s cancer was determined to be terminal, he and Mom had this discussion and their decision was to do everything possible to save Dad. He was after all only 65.
What do you want done with your body?
Do you want to be cremated, embalmed, buried naturally? Do you want an open casket or a closed casket? Do you want your body preserved within concrete vaults so it doesn’t decompose or do you want your earthly remains to decompose? Does your religion approve of your wishes and if not, how will your family handle it when the survivor implements your decision. For instance, my husband was raised Roman Catholic. According to Church doctrine, having an intact body at the funeral is of high importance. Does that mean cremation is out?
Where do you want to be interred?
Do you want a particular cemetery or type of cemetery (religious, green, local, family and etc). Should there be a head stone, or flat to the ground grave marker? How do you want it engraved? If cremated, what should be done with your ashes, your urn? Would you prefer they be placed in a mausoleum/Columbarium, scattered, kept in the family home, etc?.
How much do you think should be spent on your funeral?
Just discuss to get an idea of what price levels you each think are appropriate? Do you want to go with bare bones arrangements or something more elegant (and can you afford it)?
What should be considered for your memorial service?
Do you have certain songs, music, passages or speakers you want to involve in the funeral service?
Do you want others to stand up and give eulogies? Should that be done at the funeral service, during the visitation, online or some other way.
Are there any documents or pictures you want to make sure get distributed?
I am planning on writing my autobiography. I’ve asked my spouse to make sure that whatever I have done at the time of my death gets distributed to my heirs. On a similar note, it is important to me to have my side of the family genealogy and history (which I spent considerable time gathering) preserved and passed along to future generations.
What do you want to leave as your legacy?
Is it important to you to leave assets to the kids or grand kids? Do you want to fund certain charities or organizations (either with your assets or via donations in lieu of flowers at your service). Are there certain accomplishments you wish to have memorialized – such as Thomas Jefferson did when he instructed that of all his many accomplishments only 3 were to be memorialized – being the author of the Declaration of American Independence and of the statute of Virginia for religious freedom and being the father of the University of Virginia.
What income and expense levels can the survivor expect?
Now is the time to do some planning to make sure your partner will not be driven into the poor house when you die.
Our good friend Bill was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was a funny, hardworking carpenter, but he had no pension, no savings and his wife there fore would have no income. She was handicapped and was suddenly left, not only without her life partner, but also without any economic support.
What tasks are done substantially by one person or the other?
Discuss how you have divided up the chores of life. Make sure the other person is aware of all you do, how to do it, when to do it and why to do it.
Bring the other party up to speed, especially on critical and financial tasks. Make sure each one is aware of how to find things, who to call, and etc. Make sure there is a common list available to both of doctors, mechanics, dentists, lawyers, accountants and etc.
How do you picture your life changing when I’m gone?
Help each other envision what life might be like when left behind. By all accounts widows and widowers have a long, hard, somewhat lonely road ahead the first few years after the death of a partner.
But thinking (and talking) through possible scenarios can be helpful. Will you keep the house? How do you feel about being single? Do you think you might marry again some day (and how does the other person feel about that)? Are there things you might want to explore that perhaps you didn’t have a chance to pursue so far?
What kinds of things are you going to do to get past the first couple of years alone?
Some experts say that keeping busy and socially involved can help. Others say you should grieve however you want. Some say don’t make any big changes, as you are not in your best mental state while grieving. How will you handle day to day activities that require more than one person? Who will you call when you want or need to talk.
What do you want done with your ‘stuff’?
My spouse is a collector. He fears that all of his wonderful collections will be sold off, because the heirs don’t want them.
Should there be a museum? Is there a charity you should donate it to? Are there certain things with special meaning you would like passed along to certain people? My Mom requested that her jewelry be passed down the female side of the family. I’m doing the same with all of her jewelry and with mine.
Life can and does end suddenly at times, totally unexpected. Although not a fun topic, the above death talk is worth talking through.
How about you all? What difficulties do you foresee in initiating such a discussion with your life partner?
Share your experiences by commenting below!
***Photo courtesy of https://www.flickr.com/photos/halfchinese/235051813/sizes/l
