Arguing About Money? Here’s Help

Do you and your spouse fight about money? You've no doubt heard of traditional therapy – from psychologists or psychiatrists. Therapy typically involves talking one on one to a trained professional to explore issues you are having and attempting to find resolution for them. During the past decade, a new type of counseling has blossomed – it is called Financial Therapy. Find out more about this new option and if it’s right for you in this post.

The following post is by MyPFJourney staff writer, Marie. You can read more of Marie’s articles over at her own blog, Family Money Values. Enjoy!

Do you and your spouse fight about money?  Do you feel guilty when you spend it?  Are you afraid your kids will be spoiled by your money?

Most money issues aren't caused by lack of financial literacy (although that can certainly contribute), but rather by our approach and attitudes towards money – our so called money personality.

If you are like me, you didn't really talk through money 'personality' before you married! So, there was little you knew about how the other guy felt about money before you got married.  Maybe you are a saver and he is a spender, maybe he adheres to a strict budget and you feel financial spontaneity is important to your quality of life.  These things can lead to primal arguments.

According to Psychology Today Article:  Couples—Stop Fighting Over Money!  “the frequency of money disputes remains the single best predictor of divorce.”

Author Leon F. Seltzer feels that our attitudes about money are deep seated, prideful, self-righteous, and part of our core values, which makes it very difficult to resolve any differences couples may have in their approaches to money.

That is why it may take therapy to help you avoid money arguments.

You've no doubt heard of traditional therapy – from psychologists or psychiatrists.  Therapy typically involves talking one on one to a trained professional to explore issues you are having and attempting to find resolution for them.  It can also be called counseling.  

During the past decade a new type of counseling has blossomed – it is called Financial Therapy.

What is financial therapy?

Financial therapy is counseling, but focused on your finances and money issues. The therapists offering this are typically psychologists, but can also be financial advisers with training in counseling.  Financial therapists help you figure out your relationship to money to help you solve your financial problems. They specialize in money disorders.

The goal is to find the right blend of finances and counseling.  In the past, financial advisers weren't comfortable talking to clients about the emotions and relationship issues around money, and psychology therapists weren't very comfortable talking with clients about financial matters. But, in the past 7 years, a melding of the two disciplines has started to occur.

Who practices financial therapy?

Many brokers and financial advisers are jumping into training, trying to obtain or retain wealthy families by adding family wealth counseling to their traditional services.  Likewise, counselors are jumping on board to talk through financial issues with their clients.

There still is little to no real standard training in this newer field.  A few clinics and schools in the States (K-State and Creighton University are a couple) offer classes or certificates. 

Cross training occurs between the two types of disciplines – psychiatry/psychology counselors learn more about the intersection of behavior and money; and financial professionals, like financial advisers, planners and etc use their financial background but add training in identifying and solving behavioral and personality issues.

How can financial therapy help you?

Money talk has been called the last taboo – even more difficult to discuss than sex.  A financial adviser, planner, broker, or accountant can help you figure out what you should be doing with your money and finances, but they won't help you figure out why you can't or won't do what you should be doing.

For example, if one spouse is a spendthrift and the other a miser, the relationship (along with the family finances) may be headed for trouble.  A financial therapist is supposed to help you both dig into your money personality to understand why you are the way you are and help you figure out how to reach common ground.

Only after 40 years of marriage did my spouse and I begin to explore each other's money 'history'.  How much allowance (if any) did we get?  Were we required to use part of it for donations or to buy needed items for ourselves or could we spend it as desired?  Did our parents encourage us to save?  What kind of (if any) discussions or arguments about money did they have?  Knowing that my spouse's drive to save was mainly fostered by a huge aversion to risk might have helped me understand why he hated to take vacations with me. 

My son is a saver, his wife feels she will have a short life and wants to enjoy some of that money while she still can.  This fundamental difference in their approaches to money leads to issues which might be helped by a third party trained in financial therapy.

How can you find a financial therapist?

You could use the directory from the Financial Therapy Association, knowing that these members are self listed. 

You could apply to participate in the K-State financial therapy clinic as part of their studies.

A simple online search on financial psychologists or financial therapists would also yield some potentials.

I'd check first with any financial professional you currently use, or with a professional counselor you respect and trust.

In Canada, you might check out Amanda Mills practice at Loose Change.

How much does financial therapy cost?

Many therapists charge a set fee per hour, just like regular counselors do. For instance, Amanda Mills lists her fees as $180 per 90 minutes.

The K-State clinic program is free, but they ask you to participate in research projects.  A description of what occurs can be found at this NY Times article.

Conclusions - Whats the bottom line?

Although this is a growing field, it is still not a fully recognized one – academically or professionally.

Some professionals – such as Certified Financial Planners think it is bosh and baloney.  They think that financial education will solve the issues and that psychologists don't have the training needed to help people with money issues. 

Other groups, such as wealth management firms for the ultra wealthy, are teaming up financial planners with psychologists – financial planners focus on the finances and the psychologists on the emotions, education and relationships.

Today, practitioners may cross over from the financial side, the social work profession, or the psychology arena.  It is an evolving field, with much promise for future practitioners, and hopefully one that will benefit us and take away our last conversational taboo – money.

If your financial adviser, self-help, and financial training are not helping your situation, and you think it is related to finances, using a financial therapists (if you can afford one) is something to consider.

***Photo courtesy of https://www.flickr.com/photos/ashleymackinnon/8366662250/in/