The following is a post by MPFJ staff writer, Derek Sall. Derek is the owner of the blog, LifeAndMyFinances.com, where he teaches people how to get out of debt, save money, and become wealthy.
My first marriage failed about three years ago. Since then, I have met an amazing woman and have proposed yet again. Our big date is coming up in July, and to be completely honest, I’m starting to shake in my boots a little. Am I making a better decision this time? What about those certain areas that we don’t agree on? Can we stay together forever? These thoughts are racing through my head as I think about our past and our future together. Thankfully I have some comfort in knowing that we align on the four biggies in marriage:
- Money
- Children
- Religious Beliefs
- In-laws
Let’s take a moment and dive into each one of these categories to get a clearer picture on whether or not you are in alignment with your future spouse.
Money
For starters, how much money do you have, and how much does your fiancé have? Do you have $100,000 in debt and he/she has absolutely no debt? Are do you have a huge net worth and he/she is dirt poor? Without some early communication, these areas could become very stressful for both of you, especially if one of you feels that your debt is your debt, and they have no responsibility for it. Figure this out early or it will turn into a huge problem later.
Are you both savers? Are you both spenders? Or is one of you a spender and the other a saver?
If you are both savers, awesome, life will probably be pretty easy in the money department. If you’re both spenders, life can start out fun, but when retirement time approaches, one of you will likely freak out and want to save something, while the other wants to keep spending, so this naturally will present a future problem. If you two are opposites (one saver and one spender), life can really be trying and might result in constant bickering and stress.
As an overarching rule, you should have a common money goal with your spouse. Do you both want to retire with millions of dollars and move to Arizona? Or, maybe you both want to be self-employed and live simply. Whatever the case may be, make certain that you are both heading toward a common future goal in the money department. With this goal, both of your paths should at least be heading toward the same general area.
Children
Do both you and your fiancé want to have children? If so, when and how many? Are you open to adopting or is this your preferred method of becoming parents? If so, where will you adopt from and how much are you willing to spend? With children, will one of you become a stay-at-home parent, or will you both work and put your child in daycare?
There are a ton of questions surrounding children, but if one of you wants no children and the other wants three, this is a huge red flag! Between my fiancé and I, she would like to have two, where I would rather have three. Thankfully, our numbers aren’t too far off and one of us can adjust when the time comes to decide on the third or to stick with two.
Religious Beliefs
If you plan to have kids, the issue of different religions is quite serious and can often divide your family. If you are Catholic and your partner is an atheist, how will your kids be raised? Do you present them with all of the beliefs and let them choose? Does the more dominant parent just take control and teach them their religious beliefs? What if all the kids choose one parent’s belief system and then leave the other parent as the outsider?
The absolute best way to succeed in marriage (even if you don’t have kids) is to marry someone that has similar religious beliefs. Do not marry someone with the expectation that they will conform to your beliefs. This is not fair to them and it probably won’t work out for you.
In-Laws
Oh the in-laws… Without a doubt, your fiancé’s parents are different than yours. They might be more outgoing, they might be habitual liars, and they might be more prone to argue with one another. But, no matter the differences, you must be okay with who they are when you are going into the marriage.
While you might not see them all the time, they will definitely have an impact on your life between you and your spouse. Plus, with children (yes, again with the kids), you must be okay with letting your in-laws take the kids once in a while. If, at this point, you are uncomfortable with how your in-laws treat you, then chances are that things are not going to go over so well when they start talking to your children.
When you marry your fiancé, you aren’t just marrying him/her, you’re marrying into their family. Is that exciting or terrifying? Hopefully it’s the former and not the latter.
How about you all? How do you and your fiancé align within these four categories? What other factors to consider before getting married?
Share your experiences by commenting below.
***Photo courtesy https://www.flickr.com/photos/kumon/43128198/
